Relationships are hard!
It is only in recent times that I’ve been open to love. Of course, like every little girl growing up, I’ve always been in love with the idea of being in love, but have never actually opened myself up to it.
This post has been a few months coming… though I’m not quite sure what took me so long to write it. Maybe I felt as if, if I said it out loud or revealed it to the public forum that is the world-wide web, I would somehow jinx it…
I’m in love… with a cowboy.
About fifteen years ago or so, this fellow moseyed into my life. But at the time I had no clue that those childhood moments of roaming the streets of Hope Pastures and swimming in a water tank, would somehow bring me to this point. Who would have thought that the exchange of letters, back and forth would ignite in two people a connection that led them to be reunited over a decade after they had lost touch? From snail mail to Facebook, I can no longer deny what began so many years ago, puppy-love between two adolescents, has now reared its head as the perfect match of two grown, mature adults.
I smile every time I think about him… the dimple in his left cheek… the way he grabs my face to kiss it, as if he missed me terribly, and didn’t do the very same act only moments before… the way he steals a quick stroke of my leg while he’s driving, right before he changes the gear.
And me? I catch myself watching him while he sleeps… wondering what it would be like to kiss him, though I already know… trying to figure out what else I could possibly do to make him happy, because I want him to be happy – and he assures me, he is.
He is supportive and honest; nurturing and protective; gentle, yet firm; a planner, a thinker, a go-getter, and I admire him immensely.
It’s the first time I’ve truly been content, smiling to myself because I know what a ‘catch’ I have, and can clearly see the blissful future that awaits us, though be it far down the line… and he too appreciates that I am quite a ‘catch’ as well, and am everything that he wants a woman… his woman to be.
So why then do women (like me) try to do things to jeopardise their happiness?
It’s as if I do or say terrible things as a means of ‘pinching myself’ to see if it’s true. Well, let me tell you, I got a helluva reality check last night and this morning, and there shall be no more pinching!!!
Even with my fight-picking, he forgives. He doesn’t easily reconcile, but he’s not afraid to call me on my BS or to “hurt my feelings”, after all, he has feelings too.
I’m definitely learning an important lesson on what it is to share, be thoughtful, giving, respectful and caring about someone other than yourself… because it’s crystal clear to me at this moment, that I am not in this [relationship] alone.
And for the first time I don’t get what I want, and it’s okay… but I will get what I truly deserve – a good man.